All My Death Note
by Ilandere Okami
Summary: Soap opera of DN characters based off of a crackfic by Kitoriwitch613. "The human whose name is written in this note shall never live happily ever after..." Hilarious, stupid, interesting, deep. AU, OOC, crack, yaoi and het.
1. Episode 666

**Author's Note: SQEEE!!! Alright, this is the first chapter to "All My Death Note", originally thought of by kitoriwitch613 on deviantart. ((Link on my profile)) This person is amazing! Anyways, "All My Death Note" was written during one of their writer's blocks. It consists of lines that the characters say to each other ((and some to themselves…namely Matsuda's 'cause no one cares 'bout him…)). Some are so hilarious, I just NEEDED to write a fanfic based off of the lines.**

**So, without any further ado, I bring you the first chapter ((really this logically has to be pretty far into the series, though)) of "All My Death Note!" **

**Warnings: YAOI, crack, Near the dirty whore, Misa the pregnant whore, and Matsuda the idiot that no one cares about!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. If I did, there would be a LOT more fanservice! And I also don't own the "All My Death Note" idea. No, kitoriwitch613 does. However, I did get permission from them to do this. So no one can kill me now!! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, COPPERS!!! … Anyways, even though I don't own the idea or the lines at the beginning of each chapter, I have added in my own funny plotlines and whatnot. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH DURING THIS STORY!! IT'S NOT SERIOUS LIKE MY OTHER ONES!!!**

**PS: I've never watched a soap opera in my life. Wish me luck!**

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**Chapter 1: I have a confession**

_Previously on "All My Death Note"…_

_You'll see…_

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Light was lying in bed, tired. He didn't get too much sleep last night, for L wasn't in bed with him like normal. No, he was out working on one of his stupid detective cases, late at night. This had happened before, and Light understood that L still needed to bring home the money for the family, ever since he got fired from his job. He doesn't like talking about it, but everyone knows he murdered his boss. L did all that was in his power to prove Light innocent. It was actually quite easy, seeing as Light was smart enough not to leave behind ANY clues. To most, it would seem that the man died of a heart attack.

But let's get back to this episode. Recap once more: Light's waiting in bed for his lover, L, to return from working late. After all, L being an insomniac—though making some nights the best in the world—was also hard to live with when he had cases to work on.

The sun was shining through the windows and Light had kicked off his sheets during the night. He was getting nightmares again, of some red-eyed killer taking over his body and a strange gothic creature working as his reluctant crony. Usually L was there to help him through the night. But last night…he just wouldn't come home. Sometimes Light worried that he was cheating on him. But that would be impossible for neither was attracted to anyone but each other. Sometimes they joked that they weren't gay, but L-sexual and Light-sexual. It could happen!

Finally, a slam of the front door was heard, but none of the quiet, delicate steps of L. Light jolted up, excited to see his much-missed lover. L crept into the bedroom, thinking he could sneak into the bed and feign snuggling Light for most of the night, instead of the few minutes or hours it took for younger of the two to wake up. He was surprised to see Light sitting up in the bed, face battling between smiling gaily and scowling at the detective's late arrival.

"Light!" L cried, then ran over to him and grabbed him in a large hug. Light hugged back warmly before falling back onto the bed and pulling L down with him. Would he tell him where he was last night? No, not yet. He knew how Light would react. Perhaps he would never tell him…

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**((AN: MUA HAHA!! That's right, I'm skipping the lemon 'cause I feel like it!!))**

They were sitting at their usual table at the coffee shop they went to ever Friday morning. It was a place to relax and chill out before the last working day of the week started. That night would be anything but relaxing however…

As Light was taking another sip of his usual black coffee, a young blond woman walked in, wearing her usual gothic Lolita outfit. Light hadn't seen Misa in months, for she dumped him as soon as she found out about his affair with L. Still with his mug to his mouth, Light thought, 'Wow, she really let herself go after she left me…' That's when he noticed it was only her stomach that was bulging slightly. He slammed his coffee mug to the wooden table, sloshing it slightly, and spit out the remaining drink from his mouth.

"Light-kun, is something wrong? Was the coffee too hot?" L asked concerned.

Light turned to him, shaking his head 'no' before nodding to where Misa was looking nervously around the coffee shop. She spotted to couple and made her way to their table. What was going on?!

She sat silently at their table, looking back and forth between her ex and his lover. A blush was starting to form on her face. Not understanding her abrupt entrance or her abnormal silence, Light turned to face L, but noticed a slight blush across his face too.

"L, what's going on?" Light asked tentatively. The oldest of the three just looked down slightly, and then peeked at Light through the fringe of his messy hair.

_"I have a confession, Light-kun,"_ he started. He stayed staring at Light through his hair and continued, _"I wasn't where you thought I was last night."_

Light gawked at his boyfriend, lover, and soul-mate. Then, suddenly, he jumped up from his seat and yelled, _"YOU BASTARD!!"_ The whole coffee shop heard that, and the slap that followed.

As if shocked out of her silent daze, Misa reached up and grabbed Light's arm, saying her much-rehearsed line, _"Light, I'm pregnant. And L is the father!"_ Not the best time, Misa!

Light looked down at her, his anger causing tears to spring from his eyes. Yet now, the tears were also for sadness. He had never cried in public before, but now he was. "You bitch!!" he shouted and slapped Misa's face as well before running out of shop like a five-year-old.

L turned to Misa with pure hatred in his eyes, yet his face devoid of any emotion. "Misa, I will not be coming over any more." With that, he pulled her by the collar of her dress and kissed her heatedly on the lips. He then stood, took out his wallet, silently placed his money on the table and walked out in his normal slouch, this time slouching more than usual.

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**Shorter than normal, I know. But this show is only 15 min long 'cause of lack of good plot! Lol. Anyways, don't expect longer chapters, sorry. And from now on, the "Previously on 'All My Death Note'" portion of the chapter will have the italic lines from the previous chapter. So, it won't make any sense w/ the content of the new chapter, but who cares. Also, the lines I used were L's, Light's, and Misa's, but they were not supposed to be in the same episode/scene. Anyways, GO CHECK OUT ALL THE LINES AT THE LINK IN MY PROFILE!! ((it's there, don't worry))**


	2. Episode 667

**Author's Note: YAY ANOTHER CHAPTER! Last chapter focused on the L/Light/Misa part of the story. This focuses on the Near/Mello/Matt part of the story. And yes, Near isn't an evil person whom I hate in this...sadly... Yet, it's fun to torture him. And it was fun coming up with a way to fit the lines that needed to go into this chapter in here! And yes, I'm gonna try and make all the characters appear. Soichiro, Watari, Matsuda, Takada, and Roger all have lines they must say and Aizawa is mentioned by Matsuda, but Mogi isn't in it at all! So I gave him an extra comedic part I think he fits into rather nicely.**

**Yes, Near is crazy and depressed and yes, Mello is still in the mafia and yes, Matt's still a gamer/hacker. And yes, I MADE MOST OF THIS UP AS I WROTE IT!! But I had to figure some out before I typed it, or nothing would make sense.**

**While the last "episode" was mainly funny and a little...dirty *cough*L making out w/ several people *cough*, this one is more serious, with some funny elements. If you feel like smiling or laughing, please do.**

**Dislcaimer: I don't own Death Note, nor "All My Death Note", but I do own many of the ideas in this plot. I also do not own Junjou Romantica, which was briefly mentioned in a short author's note in the middle of this fic. However, it's an awesome show!! GO BL!!!!**

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**Chapter 2: Reuniting**

_Previously on All My Death Note:_

_L: I have a confession, Light-kun. I was not where you thought I was last night._

Light: You bastard! --slap--

Misa: Light, I'm pregnant. And L is the father!

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Near was sitting in the psychiatrist's office he went to every Wednesday for the past three years. It was all because his old boyfriend broke up with him. That damn Mello fell for another boy.

"Now, Near, why are you so irritated this morning?" Dr. Mogi asked. He was a very good therapist, for he rarely spoke, but when he did, every word he said held meaning for Near that nobody would understand. He was probably the only man in this world who ever thought about Near. The white-haired boy thought that Mello probably didn't remember him, either.

Near sighed and looked down. His baggy white pajama-like clothes would never give away any changes that had happened in the years since Mello left him. "I heard that Matt was back in town. You know, Mello's fuck toy he left me for." He laughed slightly at that. "I used to be by that blonde's side all the time. Most of the time, in bed. But I've already told you all that. Matt just up and left him last year, without any word. And you know that I tried getting back with him…"

Mogi nodded. They had already talked about this numerous times. In fact, those two men, Mello and Matt, were the reasons Near was even paying the extreme price to come to Mogi every week. Usually they talked about what was going on at the moment, economic or political wise. Rarely did Near talk about himself, unless he was going through one of his depressed stages. Usually that happened when he had run out of money and couldn't pay for his anti-depressants.

"He had rejected me so heartily, I went home crying. How could he think that that strange gamer would come back? He was always on the computer and hacking websites. I thought he probably got caught and the police captured him…" They had already been through these theories. "But now he's back…You wanna know how I know this? BECAUSE HE FUCKING CAME TO MY APARTMENT!" Near yelled, jumping up, body trembling and fists clenched in anger.

"Calm down, Near." Near took several deep breaths and sat himself down again in his normal manner. "What do you mean Matt came to your home?"

It took Near a few minutes before he could speak once more. "Yesterday, at around lunch time, someone buzzed for me, so I let them in, thinking it was probably a package. See, I had ordered a new collectors' robot…blue and red this time, with golden eyes…" Near had taken up toys to get his mind off his second virginity. **((AN: Personally, this author thinks that Near's obsession w/ toys isn't as horribly scary as Akihiko's in "Junjou Romanitca."))** He proceeded to describe the new robot with in great detail.

"Anyway, it wasn't the delivery man. Instead, when I opened the door, there stood a redhead with orange goggles and ratty old black and white striped shirt and pants—a prisoner's outfit. Now, my apartment isn't in the best part of town, but still, I didn't expect an escaped convict to come to my door! And then I recognized him: Matt, Mello's old lover who ran away a year ago. Apparently he was in prison all this time…"

Mogi's eyes widened slightly. He hadn't expected this. "Go on. What happened?"

Near looked down, at his lap. "He said that he needed a place to crash and some fresh clothes and a shower before he found Mello again. He was worried about what the idiot would think…"

"Did you let him?"

"Yes."

"Why, may I ask?"

"I still love Mello…and I want him to be happy. And if he couldn't forget about Matt for the whole year he was gone, then he must love him. And if the first thing Matt wanted to do after he was…_released_ from jail was clean up for Mello, then he must love him…" Near sighed. "He told me that he had escaped from prison—figures—and needed a place to stay. Because he had no ties with me, but too many with Mello, he thought it was smart to stay with me so the cops wouldn't find him… I agreed to it, thinking I could get some answers out of him as to why Mello would choose someone who would wind up in prison over me… After a quick shower and a change of clothes—the only pair of jeans and not-white shirt I own…plus underwear—he fell sound asleep on my couch."

Mogi wrote something down, then looked back at his client and asked, "This all happened yesterday?" Near nodded. "And you agreed to all this?" Another nod. "Then why were you so upset when you came in?"

"Because I've set up a date for the two for tonight!" The doctor was shocked. "Mello thinks I have some information on Matt that I had just found. I told him I couldn't tell him over the phone, so I will meet him in person tonight. We are meeting at a restaurant to which Mello and Matt used to love to go. Matt will wait in the car while I have a drink or two with Mello…"

"Why are you doing this for them? You said that they love each other, but what does that have to do with you?"

"I…I want Mello to be happy. That's how much I love him. If that means that I can't be with him, then so be it!"

"…Times up. I'll see you next week," Mogi said simply after writing some more things down. Near nodded and stepped out of the office.

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Mello was waiting at the bar for his "date" to arrive. He hadn't spoken with Near since the younger man had come to his mansion after Matt had disappeared. He had told him to never come back, for he didn't love him and never would. He can still remember the tears in the albino's eyes, the pain held within them that rarely ever showed. The bombshell would never admit it, but if he wasn't thinking about Matt, his lost lover, he was thinking about Near.

He would never tell anybody, but he loved Near. But he just couldn't show his feelings, for he hated him too. Of course, the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference, so it didn't matter. It was just that Near always beat him in everything! They went to high school together, and that's when they started dating, after finding out they were the two smartest in the school. When they graduated, Near was Valedictorian while Mello was only salutatorian. That's when the first flames of hatred surfaced.

They stayed together while Near went off to college and Mello lived happily with his inheritance. His father had died soon after he started college and he had to take over the man's work. Near was the only person outside of his "business" besides Matt who knew that Mello was one of the heads of the mafia. And he was going to keep it that way.

He had found Matt through one of his jobs. The guy was hired to hack some things for him, and they hit it off immediately. Near was focused on school at the moment and Mello was bored. And that was the reason why he decided to try sleeping with another man for one night. After that? He broke up with Near and the kid was never the same. Two years later, Matt was still working for random people, hacking things and whatnot, and he just up and disappeared one day. While Mello was in despair, Near appeared on his doorstep, offering his "services."

And that's when Mello slapped him and sent him running, saying he could never live up to Matt. He was just going through a tough time, but that wasn't an excuse to send the only other person in the world that he connected to away.

"Mello?" a quiet voice asked. The man in question whipped around on his stool and took in Near. After a year, he hadn't changed much. His eyes looked more dilated and there were hideous bags beneath them. His hair didn't have its old sheen it used to; it looked almost grey instead of the gorgeous white Mello loved. He still wore the same white outfit he always wore. At least that hadn't changed.

"Near! I haven't seen you in ages! How've you been?!" Mello squealed while jumping up and hugging the other. Near hugged back, almost reluctantly. But soon, Mello pulled away awkwardly, in slight surprise. He stared down at Near's chest. "Near…?" he questioned.

The albino didn't answer his question right away. "Did you know that one of the things I loved about you was the fact that you were so feminine, yet a boy? And yet…that feeling of you inside me…I felt like I was the girl…a woman…" Mello's eyes traveled up to Near's then shot back down to his chest. "In the past few months…" He sighed. "_The truth is…I'm a woman."_

"What the hell, Near?!" Mello yelled and ran to the exit.

Near followed him. "Wait! Don't you want your information on Matt?!" he called after him as the two ran into the parking lot. Mello froze. Near took his hand and led him to his car. Matt was supposed to be waiting inside. Mello remained silent, wanting the info badly, but also wanting to escape Near's presence. He wasn't the same man he fell in love with. No, he wasn't a man at all anymore. "Matt…" he said while peering into his car, "ISN'T IN MY CAR!"

He pulled at the passenger door to find it unlocked and opened it to an empty car. "Where is he?! He said he would wait for me to bring you out here for you guys to talk! Mello, I'm serious! He came to my apartment yesterday and needed to see you!" He frantically climbed into his car and searched for any clue as to where Matt had gone and why. He came back out empty handed to find Mello had been staring at his ass the whole time. He blushed slightly before glaring.

Suddenly, Mello's cell phone rang. He excused himself and stepped away from Near before answering it, not bothering to look at the caller ID. It was most likely a business call and would be an unlisted number.

"Hello?" he asked casually.

"Mello…" a familiar voice breathed into his ear.

"_MATT!!"_ Mello yelled. Near looked up from his resumed searching of his car in surprise. "_Where have you been?!_ Where are you?!"

A slight pant was heard on the other end of the phone and Mello realized Matt was running. "_I've been on the run. I can't tell you much. They have the phones tapped._ But what I can tell you is that I was found just now and had to split. I love you, but I have to go now!" He hung up.

Mello looked into Near's eyes, pleading for an explanation. Near sighed and said, "He's been in prison, but escaped. All he wanted to do was see you again…" The pain was once more clear in his eyes. Mello rushed forward and wrapped his arms around him. Holding each other in the empty parking lot, twilight turning to dusk, Mello let the tears fall and Near kept him standing, Mello supporting him as well.

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**Author's Note: How'd you like it? I worked on it for over an hour! SERIOUSLY!! And the show's really only 15 min long...Remember, the "previously on all my death note" thing at the beginning has the lines from the last chapter. and the italicized stuff in this chapter are the special lines for this chapter. No, the Near line does not go w/ the Mello and Matt lines, but I thought it fit.**

**_Next time on "All My Death Note":_**

**_Light pays the doctor a visit, then has a nice long talk with Takada..._**

**_And will L and Light be able to survive without each other?!_**

**_Remember: The human's whose name is written in this note shall never live happily ever after..._**

**((Like the new catchphrase to the show?!))**


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